Soul Searching

Do any of you ever feel as if you've lost your soul? At times I'm so torn between "proving" myself as a successful writer by getting paid well for what I write. It isn't as if I can't pimp my muse and come up with a marketable piece. I know I can. But my muse weeps and gets so depressed when I do...

I don't know if my conflicts are because I'm an American, or a woman, or part of it's due to my life stage, or where I am in my "career," or what. Everyone wants to feel acknowledgement; I know that. I've been wrestling with this all weekend. I sat and sobbed to my husband for two hours this evening, trying to express it aloud.

He tells me money doesn't matter; my art is what counts. That I have something to say to the world, that I'm special. He asked me (in a kind way) if I just want the "cool kids" to recognize me. I don't think that's it either. I know I hold the respect of people like myself, and that's wonderful. But somehow it seems like as old as I am, as much talent as I have (ok, I'm not Faulkner, but I am able to write well in a wide variety of literary "types"), as much time as I invest in my craft that I should be getting back something...more.

I'm also going through a kind of growing spurt where I've been reflecting on my life and what it means. I get so much support from others and kudos about what all I've survived but I feel like the ONLY thing I've done is to survive -- to simply endure to the end of situations -- and I find myself standing on the far side of child abuse and cancer and the other issues, with no real insight gained. I feel like I should just don a T-shirt saying "I Rode The X Ride of Life and Survived To Tell About It."

I don't expect to make a killing or even a living with my writing. But I ache for more than I'm getting.

Thanks for reading.

-- GHC