Sunday, March 04, 2012

The Road to Hell via Good Intentions

Today, the whiteboard in our living room reads “I love you [husband's name]” in big red letters. If you look very very closely, up in the wee lefthand corner, there is a lower case “g”. Yes, it is a message FROM him TO me. Even our daughter thought it was a message from me to him. But he fails to see these things. And what may be the saddest thing of all, is he doesn’t really even love himself.

Sooooo, that is where I am for now. Somewhere between a whiteboard and a hard place. I think my girls realize I am probably nearing the end of this Earthly journey. They are rallying around me, and I find great joy in that. I love my children endlessly.

My husband repeatedly assures me he is “really trying to do things for” me and I think the way he thinks, he truly is well-meaning. It’s not effective and it’s darned sad really, and it isn’t even that his heart is in the right place – it’s that he WANTS his heart to be in the right place. It’s how I think that the “road to Hell is paved with good intentions” saying breaks down to mean. It doesn’t say “good intentions paved the road to Hell.” So it isn’t good intentions that are bad or lead to Hell or add up substantially. And it isn’t failed attempts that pave the road to Hell, either. That’s not what “good intentions” means here.

The operative word, I believe, is “intentions.” He INTENDS for his actions to be good, but fails to follow through and do the work. It’s like as if I INTENDED to fix a bottle for the baby and I really love the baby and I want the baby to live, but I never got around to fixing the bottle and the baby died. My intentions aren’t the problem: my intentions were good. It’s my lack of action that paves the road to Hell, and the consequences of my inactions. It isn’t that I failed in preparing the bottle… if I’d tried, I would have been taking action and probably succeeded in feeding the baby. And if I couldn’t feed the baby, I’d realize I couldn’t and probably taken action to find a way TO feed the baby. It’s by not acting – by INTENDING to act – that the road to Hell was paved.

I can’t stand any more philosophical sh*t right now. You probably have overdosed on it by now. I love you. Thank you for reading.~GHC

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