Friday, September 07, 2012

Our Day Will Come Blogpost refuses to embed this video, so you'll just have to click on the link if you want to listen.

How does one go about rediscovering herself? Or maybe just discovering herself for the first time? Is there a shortcut, a cheat for a practically-55-year-old woman to catch up and fall in step with who she actually is? I am acutely aware of what I am NOT. Not screams fairly loudly, or jangles with its poor fit like Aunt Bid's old shoes when I was a young woman. Yes, we both wore size 9s but her feet were 4-A with a 6-A heel; mine, not so much. I forced into the expensive hand-me-downs like Cinderella's stepsisters and limped around at church with a fake smile pasted on my face, grateful for the gift. Comfort was not a priority; practicality was paramount.

I've spent my entire life being practical.

There is much to be said for practicality, but it is no longer my god. I am tired of always choosing the cheapest cut of meat, the lowest costing cookies, the plain purse because the one I prefer costs more and I can't find it within me to justify the extra $5 because we might need to buy something important with that $5 in the near future. I'm tired of putting myself last, always.

I haven't resented taking a back seat, thankfully. I feel no anger or ill will, or sorrow (she says as tears run down her cheeks) because of my choices. I did the right thing. I always do the right thing. I'm a good girl, a good woman. And I'm glad I am. I think I'm weeping now because I feel a sense of overwhelming...relief at the prospects that my time has finally arrived. It's been a long journey and I hadn't realized how tired I'd become.

I had become quite fatigued.

But just because I know what doesn't fit, doesn't mean I know what DOES fit. In class today, someone mentioned a woman was writing her dissertation on one-night stands. I laughed and made an off-hand comment to the effect that most people my age had completed that field work years ago. Just because I know I don't want a one-night stand doesn't mean I know the precise definition of what I DO want. Ultimately, I want The One Who Will Be With Me Forever, the one who will be The Guardian of My Heart. How to travel from Here to There is another story.

I have to trust.

All I know is I have to keep my heart open, as well as my eyes and arms. I want to embrace what Life has in store for me. I want to feel its heart beat against my chest. I want to feel its breath on my neck, its arms around me. I want to fulfill my promise.

I'm not at all sure where I'm headed, but I'm reasonably certain it's the right place. These woods are dark and thick, but every step brings me closer to the light. It's incumbent upon me to keep walking.

Thank goodness my shoes fit now.~~GHC

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