Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Just dragged myself purposely out of a deep, deep dream. In the dream, two of my children were trapped or imprisoned somehow for I think three months. We had a parting of ways of sorts, they were taken off from me and we said farewells, and it was all for the best. I had no fears, etc. There was a sense of sadness, but it was not the overwhelming feeling. There were many details to this first part of the dream, but they don't relate to the rest of it so I will skip them.

My ex appeared/came to me from I don’t know where. He tried to bargain with me. “We have [chits] for two white children,” he said. “You and me. Let’s go off together and have us two more children.” I reminded him I can no longer bear children. I felt very confused. Why did he want “us” to go have children?

“I want more children,” he told me. “I can only have them with you,” and he emphasized you. “We can go find two more children and raise them together, start over.”

“We have children, these children,” I insisted. “We have to stick by the ones we made, the ones we have, and see them through.”

“No, they are fine. They will be fine. They can stand on their own. We’ve done our jobs; now we have the chance to have two more.”

I felt very confused. I didn’t want to ‘start over’ with him. I didn’t want two new children. I didn’t want to have anything to do with him at all.

“Come with me and we’ll have our next great adventure,” he cajoled. “Think of it: Two new children, two new lives we get to experience. Fresh starts, clean slates! Just me and you.”

“I can’t do that – I won’t do that, X,” I said firmly, the conviction evident in my voice. “That is not what I want. I want the children I have now.”

“I can’t do it without you, Gee,” he whined. “You’re the one with the [chit]. It’s my only chance. Please?”

I crawled up out of sleep, struggled out of the depths of death and darkness, pulled myself out of the waters. Our children meant nothing to him – I meant nothing to him. He would just as soon throw all of us to the wolves to have what he wanted.

I recognized him for what he was --- a man who had used me to get what he wanted, who had always used me to get what he wanted, and would continue trying to use me to get what he wanted for all eternity if I allowed him to. 

I would no longer allow him to. The nightmare is over.~~GH

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