A person whose role in my life has been
significant for many years was recently exposed as having habitually
lied to me. Under numerous circumstances, sometimes seemingly out of
no deeper motivation than avoiding a second question.
If you know me, you know I am innately
curious and ask lots of questions. I don't interrogate anybody for
the sake of judgment; I seek to understand for my own edification.
It's really all quite objective. It is extremely rare for me to “get
personal.” Think of me as a slightly more mature four year old:
“Why? Why? Why?” I imagine I can be annoying. That's why I try
not to ask any more often than I feel compelled to know. The world is
definitely not ready for my level of curiosity; this I learned the
hard way. I am a giant knowledge sponge.
So this significant person established
a decades-long relationship on a foundation of lies. I only recently
came to understand this reality. Now I am dealing with the fallout.
And in my objective, scientific-ish way of handling relationships, I
weighed the impact of this break in trust. Naturally, I find it
difficult to trust this individual, but it goes far deeper and
further than that. I hear whispers of doubt when dealing with others,
as well.
Doubt is a bastard. But like a sherpa
on a trek up Kilimanjaro, a necessary bastard. We all need a little
doubt to stay alive. If we blithely walked everywhere without
questioning, we'd soon end up dead. But too much doubt undermines
one's ability to lead a fulfilling life. Too much doubt causes one to
question others' motivations when maybe it really doesn't matter.
When what the others do really doesn't have a thing to do with US.
When we hold up the yardstick of our existence and force-measure
someone else against our standard. That's a negative result of doubt.
Another negative result of doubt is
questioning ones self. What was wrong with me that I believed those
lies for so long? Is there something functionally wrong with me that
I cannot see through deception? Is this new person lying to me now?
Will the next person I run into, say at the post office, lie to me
too? Does everybody lie? Studies tend to suggest everybody does. What
does that even mean?
These are the truly evil consequences
of his lying. Not even the situations that were hidden and lied
about, but the fallout, the loss of trust, the doubt, the residual
lessening of ME and my spirit, my life, the revealing of my weakness,
my reluctance to trust.
In my spiritual Universal way of thinking (my
personal spiritual path that remains unlabeled yet is fairly defined),
the lesson here is that I must trust more fully, more deeply, more
willingly. His lies exposed my doubt. They laid open a wound that had
never fully healed, an ugly wound at that.
Two sides of the coin: Trust, and
doubt.
So how does one deal with Trust and
Doubt? I'd say with Grace and Judgment. More on that tomorrow. ~~GHC
