Today I found a moldy banana in the cat chow container. My children declare they know nothing about it. Apparently some escaped gorilla is hiding in my home hoarding food in my plastic containers, waiting to take over the world -- or at least my little corner of it.
Today’s banana discovery is as bewildering as the chicken bones under the sofa cushion were last year. Then, I assumed wolves were planning to take over. Now my home is under attack by primates. That would explain the tangle of clothing drooping out of bureau drawers and creeping across the floors in my children's rooms. Wicked apes are donning my teens’ clothing, attempting to fit in with the general population. This could also explain the phenomenon of "sagging" that is so popular today, where young men wear the largest possible jeans as low on their hips as possible without them falling off.
I used to think sagging began as a gang joke. An unsuitable recruit begged to join. The gang put their heads together and said, "Okay, Julio, if you wear Fat Manuel's jeans for one week with no belt and don’t use your hands, and they don't fall off -- well, you're in." Julio wanted so badly to fit that he ignored the jeers and taunts from others in the ‘hood. He shuffled through with Fat Manuel's size fitty-fo' jeans on his narrow size t'irty-two hips for a week and won his prized bandana.
Now I realize ill-fitting garments are the result of animals in our midst wearing clothes, trying to blend in. How else did that rotten banana get into my cat chow container? If you still have doubts, talk to a middle school teacher. Children never lie to their parents, but those gorillas, well, you just can't tell.