Let Go of Expectations

Let go of many, many expected outcomes this past year. In retrospect, once the hand is empty, it wasn't so hard to let go. It's that damned time leading up to the release that's rough. ~~GH
[Tomorrow: Grieve]

Merrily, Merrily

"Imagine your life like a gentle river that flows seamlessly along. You are in the middle floating peacefully as the river is taking you on your path or journey through life. Along the way you pick up stones and rocks that begin to weigh you down. This is the pain and harm caused towards you throughout life. As you continue to have new experiences that cause you anger, pain, jealousy, etc, you continue to grab more and more stones, weighing you down further. You become consumed by the water, your life is drowning and all you can feel is the pain that is caused by all the stones you have picked up along the way, never realizing that by simply letting go of the stones, you would once again rise to the top and float peacefully down the river through your path with life."
   ~~Topher M. Young

[Interestingly enough, when I researched to learn more about Topher M. Young, I discovered he is the founder of the Paranormal Study and Investigative Research Organization, PSIRO. More here].

Far too frequently in my own life, I felt panicky and experience that drowning sensation. Sometimes it began with a mantra, as if it were a sacred rite: I am unworthy. I am unlovable. I will never be loved. I have failed. 

After reading Young's words above, I have decided when I next recognize that panicked feeling to realize I am hearing an old script, one that no longer applies to my current experience. I am worthy. I am lovable. I will be loved. I am loved. I have succeeded. 

I get two visual associations: One of slipping into anesthesia; the other, relaxing into a massage. Both involve letting go, relenting, giving one's self over to an experience. Both feel similar, wonderful in fact. There is nothing quite like that sensation of complete abandoned freedom and disconnect from troubles that both anesthesia and massage bring with them. 

Recently, I made the observation about how deceptively easy it is to let go of a rope ["Letting Go," February 17, 2013], and then there is the paradox of how difficult it is to let go of that rope when it seems to be what is keeping you alive as you dangle over a cliff (which I wrote extensively about but have not published yet on ChickenScratches). 

Another analogy is the leap of faith (I picture standing at the edge of a high diving board). It is so simple, just . . . jump . . . and yet, the hardest thing in the world to do -- until it's done. Once done, the truth of how easy the actual letting go is becomes revealed.

The next time I feel that drowning sensation, that hopeless sense that my life is destroyed and I am unworthy and unlovable, I am going to make the conscious choice to let go of those beliefs -- at least for that moment -- and instead love myself, at least the little child inside myself who has never done anything to deserve being unloved. (Her, I can love even when my mind insists the adult Ginger is unlovable. We are all works in progress).

I will listen for the rocks to plunk-plunk into the water. I will feel for the splash against my legs as the stones that weighed me down break the surface tension. I will associate those things with Love.

Here's to letting those rocks go. May we float effortlessly down the stream, my friend. I love you. ~~GH

Letting Go

I was the child who took apart all of her toys to see what was inside them or to discover how they worked. This, of course, rendered some of them unworkable. 

I'm beginning to realize there are no explanations for the things I most want to understand. Coming to accept this is another thing. I tend to want to label this as immature, which translates into negative, or "bad." Trying hard to let go of those value judgments and labels. It is what it is. I'm where I am, and that is enough.

I'm doing my best to let go of that rope, that sense of control. It is a challenge. And kinda funny to imagine struggling to let go. Sigh. 

Only a human being can get themselves into such a complicated situation that they hold on and fight to let go. 

Thank you for reading. ~~GH

A Leaf Falls

A Leaf Falls

The whirs and beeps of life-sustaining machines no longer intrude on my consciousness; they have become as natural as my breath. Nurses rustling past my door are ghosts from a distant memory. Warmth arrives as my daughter gently tucks in my blanket, protecting me from an omnipresent flow of cool air. Sounds are distant, mostly irrelevant now.

At last my family recognizes and responds to infinitesimal signals – the upward curve of my mouth, a tiny wrinkle appearing in my forehead, an escaping sigh. A lifetime of hurt where words never sufficed has passed. 

Harsh feelings and miscommunications were the patterns in the days when I longed to be understood. Now -- when I yearn to take my journey alone -- people focus on every gesture and sound, and hold me here. 

I'm a dried leaf clinging to a dead branch, assaulted by a chilled wind. Release, I need release.

My parents and grandparents attend me without words. They know I will come to them when I can – when the living allow me to leave. Smiling, my ancestors wait for me in the blazing sunlit corner of the room. Untiring arms reach out, extending an invitation to join them.

The wind nudges me again. This time I open my hand and let go. I glide away from the tree as the wind lifts me up. We dance, the wind and I, for a precious moment. If I plummet to the ground and am no more, this brief instant of freedom is worth it all. 

He sets me down gently beside family and friends. I am warm.