Guest Musician: Priscilla Ahn

This song was recorded nearly five years ago, but I only recently heard it for the first time. Priscilla Ahn's voice is sweet, crystal clear. The song is too. And I love how the harmonica is brought in right before the last verse. The raucous tone of the harp against the music-box quality of Ahn's voice and guitar strumming is pretty powerful and unusual.

I relate to the first part of the song. Love the dreamy aspect. The lyrics kind of weaken in the last verse, but not enough to ruin it for me.

I'm not a music critic, don't play one even on the Internet, and this is as close to critiquing a song as I'll ever get. Not sure why I did it this time, even. ~~GH

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream. 

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest tree. 
I had a dream. 

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. 

I had a dream

Not Yet Out of the Woods

Apparently the "Road to Hell" is a great search phrase. I have more than 550 hits on a post I wrote that includes those words. I wonder if this is indicative of people's obsession with blame/guilt, or represents a sincere fearfulness of meeting a negative fate? It'll be interesting to figure out someday.

At the top of the blog, below the chicken photo, is a poll. There are five choices -- you can click one or more. Please take a minute to do the poll. I know a couple of dozen folks visit this blog every day. The poll is completely anonymous -- no one will know it's you, or what you chose associated with who you are. Please take it?

On another note, I am still processing this horrendously unpleasant marital dissolution. Every single time I believe I've reached a steady point, something happens that knocks my feet out from under me. It's getting almost comical. Surely I am doing something wrong - the Universe is teaching me a lesson. I just need to discern what that lesson is and grasp it.

All I know is, I am very tired of weeping. If someone had told me I contained this many tears, I would have ridiculed them. Hard. And I'm crying for me, not because of him. What do I cry for? I cry for the little girl inside of me who loved so much and trusted so innocently, and was betrayed. I cry out of anger and frustration because my defense mechanisms scream at me to shut down my heart and wall it off so it won't get hurt again, and I refuse to do that. I will NOT let his behavior change the inherent sweetness and goodness that is me, no matter how much it pains me to remain open. I will never again in my life permit another human being to change me into a frightened, distrusting, angry person.

 I cry for the little girl who was led deep, deep into a dark scary forest and abandoned. I cry because I am lonely. I cry because sometimes I wonder if there is something inherently wrong with me that makes me unlovable, because surely no one would hurt me the way he hurt me if I were lovable. Then I realize that is fallacious thinking. It doesn't even make sense -- but the thoughts do rear their ugly heads. I guess that's an issue from childhood, something I torture myself with out of insecurity -- a disconnect that is false and invalid. His behavior has little to do with me and everything to do with him. My value or lack thereof doesn't even enter the picture.

I know there is light outside this dark scary forest. I know somewhere out there, a bright sun is smiling on a world far from where I exist. I also know that I *will* find my way out of these woods. I have no way of knowing which side of the forest I"m going to end up on; I only know and have faith that there will come a time when I look around me and realize the trees have thinned out and there is the suggestion of a path to follow. And I hope and pray that somewhere along that path, I find another whose hand I can hold and continue this journey. Someone who will truly be the guardian of my heart. Someone whose heart I, too, can guard and keep safe.