Not Yet Out of the Woods

Apparently the "Road to Hell" is a great search phrase. I have more than 550 hits on a post I wrote that includes those words. I wonder if this is indicative of people's obsession with blame/guilt, or represents a sincere fearfulness of meeting a negative fate? It'll be interesting to figure out someday.

At the top of the blog, below the chicken photo, is a poll. There are five choices -- you can click one or more. Please take a minute to do the poll. I know a couple of dozen folks visit this blog every day. The poll is completely anonymous -- no one will know it's you, or what you chose associated with who you are. Please take it?

On another note, I am still processing this horrendously unpleasant marital dissolution. Every single time I believe I've reached a steady point, something happens that knocks my feet out from under me. It's getting almost comical. Surely I am doing something wrong - the Universe is teaching me a lesson. I just need to discern what that lesson is and grasp it.

All I know is, I am very tired of weeping. If someone had told me I contained this many tears, I would have ridiculed them. Hard. And I'm crying for me, not because of him. What do I cry for? I cry for the little girl inside of me who loved so much and trusted so innocently, and was betrayed. I cry out of anger and frustration because my defense mechanisms scream at me to shut down my heart and wall it off so it won't get hurt again, and I refuse to do that. I will NOT let his behavior change the inherent sweetness and goodness that is me, no matter how much it pains me to remain open. I will never again in my life permit another human being to change me into a frightened, distrusting, angry person.

 I cry for the little girl who was led deep, deep into a dark scary forest and abandoned. I cry because I am lonely. I cry because sometimes I wonder if there is something inherently wrong with me that makes me unlovable, because surely no one would hurt me the way he hurt me if I were lovable. Then I realize that is fallacious thinking. It doesn't even make sense -- but the thoughts do rear their ugly heads. I guess that's an issue from childhood, something I torture myself with out of insecurity -- a disconnect that is false and invalid. His behavior has little to do with me and everything to do with him. My value or lack thereof doesn't even enter the picture.

I know there is light outside this dark scary forest. I know somewhere out there, a bright sun is smiling on a world far from where I exist. I also know that I *will* find my way out of these woods. I have no way of knowing which side of the forest I"m going to end up on; I only know and have faith that there will come a time when I look around me and realize the trees have thinned out and there is the suggestion of a path to follow. And I hope and pray that somewhere along that path, I find another whose hand I can hold and continue this journey. Someone who will truly be the guardian of my heart. Someone whose heart I, too, can guard and keep safe.

The Road to Hell via Good Intentions

Today, the whiteboard in our living room reads “I love you [husband's name]” in big red letters. If you look very very closely, up in the wee lefthand corner, there is a lower case “g”. Yes, it is a message FROM him TO me. Even our daughter thought it was a message from me to him. But he fails to see these things. And what may be the saddest thing of all, is he doesn’t really even love himself.

Sooooo, that is where I am for now. Somewhere between a whiteboard and a hard place. I think my girls realize I am probably nearing the end of this Earthly journey. They are rallying around me, and I find great joy in that. I love my children endlessly.

My husband repeatedly assures me he is “really trying to do things for” me and I think the way he thinks, he truly is well-meaning. It’s not effective and it’s darned sad really, and it isn’t even that his heart is in the right place – it’s that he WANTS his heart to be in the right place. It’s how I think that the “road to Hell is paved with good intentions” saying breaks down to mean. It doesn’t say “good intentions paved the road to Hell.” So it isn’t good intentions that are bad or lead to Hell or add up substantially. And it isn’t failed attempts that pave the road to Hell, either. That’s not what “good intentions” means here.

The operative word, I believe, is “intentions.” He INTENDS for his actions to be good, but fails to follow through and do the work. It’s like as if I INTENDED to fix a bottle for the baby and I really love the baby and I want the baby to live, but I never got around to fixing the bottle and the baby died. My intentions aren’t the problem: my intentions were good. It’s my lack of action that paves the road to Hell, and the consequences of my inactions. It isn’t that I failed in preparing the bottle… if I’d tried, I would have been taking action and probably succeeded in feeding the baby. And if I couldn’t feed the baby, I’d realize I couldn’t and probably taken action to find a way TO feed the baby. It’s by not acting – by INTENDING to act – that the road to Hell was paved.

I can’t stand any more philosophical sh*t right now. You probably have overdosed on it by now. I love you. Thank you for reading.~GHC