I smoked my last cigarette late New
Year's Eve, December 31, 2011. Technically, it may have been closer
to two in the morning on January 1st, 2012, but I hadn't
gone to bed yet, so I think calling it December 31st is
fair game. Eleven months ago. Wow.
For folks who want to quit and are
looking for inspiration, I have the traditional good news/bad news. I
successfully quit: good news. I'm still out of breath when I walk; I
waited too long to quit: bad news. I never cheated: good news. I want
a cigarette every hour of every day: bad news. I saved $1650: good
news. I neither saved nor did anything meaningful with that money:
bad news.
When I was a smoker and wanted to stop,
I looked to success stories for magic talismans of wisdom to ward off
the demon Nicotine. Brush your teeth often, they said. Drink lots of
water. Chew gum instead. Use patches or nicotine gum. Use smokeless
cigarettes. Behavior modification is the key, they claim. Paint your
walls, have your furniture professionally cleaned, remove all traces
of nicotine from your environment.
I'm pretty sure I did none of those
things.
I just suffered through withdrawal
every time I wanted to smoke and made a conscious decision: Nope, not
gonna smoke THIS cigarette THIS time. I breathed instead. Sometimes I
pretended to smoke -- not with my hands -- but I drew the invisible smoke
deeply into my lungs and held it, imagining it was there. I exhaled
it long and slow. I consciously relaxed my body and let the tension
out with the “smoke.” And it worked for me.
But then again, eleven months later I
find I still want to smoke a cigarette. And then again, again, I
successfully stopped smoking cigarettes. So did I succeed, or fail?
[SMOKING
TRIGGER WARNING – Text in yellow] I miss the ritual of turning the
pack over and over in my hands, feeling its smooth fullness. Tapping
it to pack the tobacco more tightly. I miss the feel of the
cellophane wrapper. I miss peeling the little string, the cling of
the top, having to shake it loose into the waste basket. I still
envision opening the foil – I never tore mine off; I peeled back
two triangles so I could refold the top and keep the tobacco bits
from spilling out of the pack.
I
miss tapping the closed top of the pack against my left hand until
the first virgin cigarettes pop their white heads out into the air
free at last, free at last, thank God almighty! I always chose the
center-most cigarette, the one in the “middle” for good luck. Ha.
Good luck cigarette, what a concept. Anyway, I digress.
After
selecting my cig, I would feel its fullness and appreciate it. Put it
to my lips and flick my lighter, watch as the two joined, and pull
the heat up into and through. I enjoyed the smoke entering my mouth
and traveling down my bronchial tubes, entering my lungs. I never was
a really deep lung smoker; I pretty much smoked about down to where
the bronchus splits.
But I
did smoke for over forty years, and I smoked a lot. I smoked from the
moment I woke up until the instant before I went to bed. The past few
years, I'd say an average of a pack and a half a day, although when I
did the math savings, I calculated a single pack.
Then
there was the actual smoking ritual itself. For some reason, this is
not as vivid to me. But I know I enjoyed it. I don't even want to try
and remember it, honestly. It's like missing an old lover – or, to
be silly, “old flame.” To quote the lyrics from “The Way We
Were,” What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget. Let's just say I enjoyed smoking, and I miss it, and to be perfectly
honest if I could still breathe, I would still smoke.
Call me recalcitrant [I just Googled “recalcitrant” to be sure that was the exact word I wanted, and skimmed over the following sentence which triggered a wander down Giggle Lane: Under Potty Training Refusal – even recalcitrant stoolholders respond within two months. I bet that's a long, HARD two months. Sorry. I realize scatalogical humor is iffy at best.
I am glad I don't smoke now. I prefer not
to smell cigarette smoke, but it doesn't disgust me. Sometimes it's
enjoyable. I haven't kissed anyone who smokes (yet) and I'm curious
how that will go. I know that when someone enters my car who's just
put out their cigarette, that it's a little intense for a moment or
two, but tolerable and soon passes. I am thankful I didn't become one
of those former smokers for whom the slightest whiff of smoke
triggers a gag reflex or other strong aversion reactions because many
of my friends and family are smokers.
This is not real positive and
encouraging, and I apologize. I almost feel as if I should fib and
get on the bandwagon with all those other people I read and hear
about and say I feel ten times better and stronger and healthier. But
that's not me. I waited too long to quit. I feel pretty much like I
did before I quit, except I don't cough nearly as much now. And
that's good. But it's not great.
In summary, I am thankful I was able to
stop. I am grateful I did not resume smoking. I urge you to stop NOW
before it's too late. Do what it takes. There must be dozens of
methods – find the one that will work for you. For me, going from
one crutch to another was not the answer; I know I have an addictive
personality. For you, it may be the panacea you seek.
Every cigarette you skip is a good one.
Don't hate yourself if you light up again. Don't consider the process
destroyed – just smoke that one and quit all over again. There's
always a next time (till there's not, but that's another story and
you won't have to deal with quitting then anyway). I will say that
the excuse/rationale of smoking so you don't gain weight is
ridiculous. Gain a little weight. You can lose weight later; you
can't always regain lung function. Just sayin'. Lung function wins,
hands down, every time.
Bottom line: Be good to yourself. Treat
yourself with respect. Do the best you can and be loving and
forgiving with you. If you are able to quit, more power to you. If
not, there'll always be another cigarette to skip. Good luck. I love you. ~~ Ginger
