Pain is a bully; I hate it when it talks. Pain walks hand-in-hand with Fear and Lies; together, the three push Hope and Sleep off the sidewalk of Life. ~GH
Tonight I felt exhausted and laid down quite early (for me). Slept three hours and awoke around midnight. There are changes coming in my life -- I feel them acutely. I welcome their arrival. I wonder if I'm ready to step up into these new roles.
I felt a great deal of physical pain, couldn't get back to sleep, tried for three hours and finally gave up. Went downstairs to take a couple of pain pills to see if I could find some relief and get back to sleep. I have a test in the morning - my last test before finals.
Looked through a bookcase and re-discovered a book of Kahlil Gibran's letters (this one is Kahlil Gibran: A Self-Portrait, published in 1959. There are other collections of his correspondence). Skimming through, I remembered that his health was poor. That set off a trigger and I received a mental image of a cracked vessel.
I wondered if our bodies weaken as our spirits grow strong? Does one feed off the other, I supposed? And I wondered why I had to invest so much energy into simply surviving for so many years. What impact did that have on my spiritual development? My physical health? If I hadn't had to scramble to live, where might I be or get to in my creative life?
Then I thought about what little I have to offer compared to how much I want to give. And I wept.
In Gibran's words to his friend, Emil Zaidan:
There is nothing more difficult than the existence of a strong spirit in a weak body. I feel--I am not modest--that I am just at the beginning of a mountain road. The twenty years which I have spent as a writer and painter were but an era of preparation and desire. Up to the present time I have not yet done anything worthy of remaining before the face of the sun. My ideas have not ripened yet, and my net is still submerged in water.
I realize I'm mostly feeling lonely and exhausted. It is the very end of the semester. Resolutions to issues that have long troubled me appear to be on the horizon -- but they've deceived me before with the promise of settlement. I am tired of being teased. My faith has been stretched to the limits of its endurance. There are endings in sight - so near and still, seemingly so far away. New beginnings beckon. I want to just turn away from dealing with unpleasantries and embrace happiness. I am so ready for Joy.
But I have some loose ends to tie up first. Reminding myself that it won't be as long as it has been, this hellish journey. There truly is light at the end of the tunnel.~~GH