“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.
Let our scars fall in love.”
~~ Galway Kinnell
[Tomorrow: Deadly Doubt]
"Imagine your life like a gentle river that flows seamlessly along. You are in the middle floating peacefully as the river is taking you on your path or journey through life. Along the way you pick up stones and rocks that begin to weigh you down. This is the pain and harm caused towards you throughout life. As you continue to have new experiences that cause you anger, pain, jealousy, etc, you continue to grab more and more stones, weighing you down further. You become consumed by the water, your life is drowning and all you can feel is the pain that is caused by all the stones you have picked up along the way, never realizing that by simply letting go of the stones, you would once again rise to the top and float peacefully down the river through your path with life."
~~Topher M. Young
[Interestingly enough, when I researched to learn more about Topher M. Young, I discovered he is the founder of the Paranormal Study and Investigative Research Organization, PSIRO. More here].
Far too frequently in my own life, I felt panicky and experience that drowning sensation. Sometimes it began with a mantra, as if it were a sacred rite: I am unworthy. I am unlovable. I will never be loved. I have failed.
After reading Young's words above, I have decided when I next recognize that panicked feeling to realize I am hearing an old script, one that no longer applies to my current experience. I am worthy. I am lovable. I will be loved. I am loved. I have succeeded.
I get two visual associations: One of slipping into anesthesia; the other, relaxing into a massage. Both involve letting go, relenting, giving one's self over to an experience. Both feel similar, wonderful in fact. There is nothing quite like that sensation of complete abandoned freedom and disconnect from troubles that both anesthesia and massage bring with them.
Recently, I made the observation about how deceptively easy it is to let go of a rope ["Letting Go," February 17, 2013], and then there is the paradox of how difficult it is to let go of that rope when it seems to be what is keeping you alive as you dangle over a cliff (which I wrote extensively about but have not published yet on ChickenScratches).
Another analogy is the leap of faith (I picture standing at the edge of a high diving board). It is so simple, just . . . jump . . . and yet, the hardest thing in the world to do -- until it's done. Once done, the truth of how easy the actual letting go is becomes revealed.
The next time I feel that drowning sensation, that hopeless sense that my life is destroyed and I am unworthy and unlovable, I am going to make the conscious choice to let go of those beliefs -- at least for that moment -- and instead love myself, at least the little child inside myself who has never done anything to deserve being unloved. (Her, I can love even when my mind insists the adult Ginger is unlovable. We are all works in progress).
I will listen for the rocks to plunk-plunk into the water. I will feel for the splash against my legs as the stones that weighed me down break the surface tension. I will associate those things with Love.
Here's to letting those rocks go. May we float effortlessly down the stream, my friend. I love you. ~~GH
