Confusing the End with the Means

It used to be that having a tan indicated you spent a decent amount of time doing outdoor activities, such as working outdoors and/or in the garden, going for walks, playing tennis, swimming, etc. The tan was a natural consequence of your activities.

Then it got to the point where people groomed the tan* so they had that look when they actually weren't doing those activities.

It used to be that people did things that they enjoyed doing -- gardening, riding horses, volunteering for charities, etc. -- and the natural consequence was happiness. Then it got to be that people started chasing happiness as the goal instead of the side effect.
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I read about people who say they just want to be a good person, so they go out of their way to do good deeds in the hopes they will become a good person. Again, being a good person is a natural consequence that comes with doing the right thing. You don't do the right thing so that you become a good person; it just sort of happens while you're doing good things.
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We have an awful lot of people nowadays who are at everything ass backwards. Be good for goodness sake. Don't cultivate a tan. Do the activities that you enjoy and that help you grow mentally, emotionally, and physically, and you will end up with happiness as the end effect. ~~GH

*Intentional tanning, of course, led to an unprecedented skin cancer epidemic. There has been a 200% increase in melanoma cases since 1973.

A writer friend of mine died last month two short months after diagnosis (I'm not implying my friend overlooked his health, not at all. Some melanomas don't even have external lesions).

Early detection is a must with that terrible disease. Please do a full body skin exam at least yearly, or have someone else help with places you can't readily examine.

Bonus Post: Smiling Faces

Yesterday, I was Facebook-befriended by a high school classmate. She wrote one sentence on my timeline, and it meant so much to me. What did she write?

If I didn't recognize anything else, I'd recognize your smile.

After nearly forty years, it is wonderful to know that I have retained the smile I had in my youth. ~~GH

Bonus Post: Poet Yvette Wielhouwer Weds

Today, my dear dear soul-friend, pen pal, one of this generation's truly most magnificent writers, keeper of Hope's flame, beacon of Light in the Darkness of Divorce, fellow traveler down these long winding roads of life and strife, Yvette Wielhouwer joined her fortunes with her Frank and is married. 

Shine on, Lovely Light. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Step in joy and peace from hereon.~~Ginger

To read some of Yvette's amazing writing, click here. New window will open.

Bonus Post: Joy

I am just too filled with happiness to leave my poem "Autumn" as today's record. Instead, I give you Love.~~GH

Bonus Post: Paradigm Shift in the Henhouse

I've lived in The Truman Show the past nineteen years. It required an adjustment to process that fact, reconstruct my reality, to be able to move onward. 

Channel changed. Time for The Ginger Show now. :)

Playing for Keeps

I got some amazing great news Wednesday! Not trying to tease anyone; just wanted to share the general sense of happiness. Good things goin' on! ~~GHC

"Truth is handsomer than the affectation of love. Your goodness must have some edge to it, else it is none."

~~Ralph Waldo  Emerson

I believe in being good for goodness' sake. I seek to live my life in a genuine manner, with honesty and compassion. I have been criticized by "some" because at times I operate with a sharp tongue, at other times I choose not to reply at all. I have been accused by some folks of being unkind because of these behaviors.

I find that reaction hurtful, confusing, and in conflict with my sense of Truth and Goodness.

Today I found Emerson's words (above) as well as the following words that put my mind at ease. I am not at odds with Truth OR Goodness when my behavior doesn't reflect sweetness and light. :-)

Tibetan meditation master Chogyam Trungpa coined the phrase "idiot compassion" to define the behavior people tend to do where they react from the "Playbook of Nice" rather than "from an authentic arising of goodness, because our heart is simply open."

"An open heart is never certain, it is in open dialog with this world and thus can respond with sweetness when sweetness is due, or wrath or silence or dismissal or an endless embrace. You are on the razor's edge, meaning right here, right now, playing for keeps, not for appearances." ~~Susan Piver

Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Some people have skewed concepts of what Love is. They love, they don't Love. They experience the positive feelings that wash over them without extension to their love object. 

For instance, I believe if you Love someone, you would do nothing to harm them. You don't do mean little things out of spite; you don't seek to "get even." More than that, you proactively think of them and their feelings. It's not all about you any more, not once you Love another.

With one's child, it's pretty easy to figure out how to Love - at least, at first. A mother aligns her very soul with her firstborn's soul. She studies that little one's face for a ripple of displeasure, watches for muscle relaxation that means relief of tension. She seeks to please that baby. Intently.

Some people aren't able to step far enough out of themselves to please someone else. All they can do is manipulate circumstances in order to hopefully elicit a response that mimics pleasing others. Whether it's the pretense of a positive behavior, a gift, an apology, or a physical action, the outward illusion is that of consideration while the reality is manipulation.

Manipulation does not equal Love. Or even love.

When I feel vulnerable, I tend towards selfishness. Lately, I catch myself NEEDING so much that I have to consciously refrain from feeling guilty about it. I remind myself that this is a temporary thing, a phase. It is appropriate to need right now. I have a deficit to correct. 

I sense it filling.

Back to that mother. The mature mother soothes the baby because she wants the baby to be happy. The mother's peace-of-mind is an offshoot, a benefit, not the goal. Her prime directive is the child's happiness. Some folks can't function that way. For them, the goal is to stop their own discomfort. Baby cries? Soothe so I don't hear baby crying any more. Baby feeling comforted is the side effect.

The same thing happens with apologies. Someone feels bad because they did something, well, bad to another person. They ritually apologize. Repeatedly. What is the motivation though? Do they apologize because they sincerely feel sorrow for the hurt they caused someone else; do they apologize because they feel uncomfortable knowing they did something wrong that caused hurt to someone else, and they want to stop feeling uncomfortable? Put another way, are you sorry you hurt me, or are you sorry that you feel guilty because you hurt me? Which feeling is stronger? That's what I thought.

Some people apologize the same way they love. They demonstrate outward actions and behaviors that simulate Love when all they really are, are means to an end. And the end always comes back to them and their comfort. 

I guess some psychologists would say that ultimately everything comes back to us and our comfort, that there is no real stepping out of ourselves for someone else. I tend to disagree. Perhaps to my very real detriment, I am someone who does self-sacrifice for others at times. Often, it is painful but I think ultimately, it is what suits me. 

Looking back over this post, it strikes me as rambling and disjointed. I have to trust that the common thread, the theme shines through. It is what it is; this is the best I can do today. And it is enough. I leave you with Love. ~~GHC

Life's Little Ironies: Tolstoy

"Happiness is an allegory, unhappiness a story." ~~ Leo Tolstoy

"Funny that we would choose to live in an allegory (happily ever after) but we complain about experiencing the story." ~~ Ginger Hamilton Caudill